My past life

It was a beautiful Sunday evening, cooling off with my legs resting on the little chair beneath me while I sat on an armchair. Feeling the cool evening breeze ripping through my clothes with my eyes shut and mind flying. 

Just about a few minutes later, my 2-year-old married wife stepped out of the house with a picture of me and a white lady posed suspiciously. 

“Ude, tell me about your past life”  She growled furiously. 

She made this clear statement almost whooping her eyeballs out. I marvelled but then decided to tell her what she wanted to hear, which is my "past life”.

“Oh well, my dear wife, about my last life, hmm... The thing was that I didn't use to exist before now. I was more like an object to the people that discovered me. They went on to say that while I was still in abnormal shape, I was like the tiniest creature on earth. I couldn't eat, talk, walk or even see. They finally figured out that the only way I could survive my existence was to only feed on a woman's breast. Then for all I know, that was my past life and how I lived it till this present moment I'm having this conversation with you. My dear wife”

After telling my story, my wife stared at me for over a minute. Struggling for words to put together I guess. I mean, she asked for my past life and I just dished everything out to her without reserving any. I felt troubled in the middle of the prolonged stare. I then had to enquire if everything was okay. 

God knows how I wanted to burst out in a wild laugh as my wife's face glowed in rage. 

Before I could open up to say who exactly was in the picture and then explain how I was joking with the past life story I just told her, I had already gotten the beating of life. 

Ugodiya threw me on the bare floor as though I was not a man, made me chew sand and some painful blows. That evening, I realized I have been living with a street boxer. 

The oyibo was merely my co-worker when I used to work overseas. 

It was all a joke now I ended up with bruises....